justin’S story
After six years of conversion therapy, I was suicidal
I was born and raised in a born-again, Evangelical Christian household in a town just outside Glasgow. The importance of developing a faith and personal relationship with God was a major part of my childhood and upbringing. Almost all our family social activities centred around the church and engaging in fellowship with other born-again Christians. This was my routine:
Mondays – Teen Club
Wednesdays – Bible Study
Thursdays – Discovery Group (where you select a book of the Bible and ‘discover’ what its meanings are for your life as a Christian)
Fridays – Youth Fellowship
Sundays – morning and evening services and socialising with other Christian families in between.
Therefore, when I turned 13 and realised that I was attracted to other boys, it made sense for me to turn to the Bible to see what God had to say about the feelings I was having:
‘Do not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman; that is detestable.’
Leviticus 18:22 New International Version
This sent a very clear sign that homosexuality and same-sex attraction was not going to be accepted by my family, as it was not accepted in the Bible. At 15, I engaged in full-immersion baptism – the same way John the Baptist baptised Jesus – where you are submerged under water and brought back up again. After lots of prayer and pleading with God, I went through this thinking I would be submerged under the water struggling with ‘same-sex attraction’ and would re-emerge ‘fixed’ and heterosexual.
Obviously, this did not work. I then left my family church and started attending a Pentecostal church in a neighbouring town. It was here that I underwent six years of conversion therapy from the ages of 17-23 years old.
For six years, I would be down the front of the church every Sunday, with people laying their hands on me, speaking in tongues, being told:
‘You just have to have faith.’
‘Immerse yourself in the Bible.’
‘Love God like a lover.’
God doesn’t rate sin, but Christians definitely do. Everyone at the church knew what ‘sin’ I was struggling with and ‘same-sex attraction’ was The Big One that needed to be ‘fixed’. This manifested itself through things like exorcisms, having demons cast out of me and being anointed with holy oil.
Going through an exorcism is an incredibly emotionally traumatising experience. There is a definite expectation of a reaction to ‘prove’ that it’s working and that the Holy Spirit has ‘exorcised the demon within’. Afterwards, you are left alone, lying there shaking, crying, screaming and thinking, ‘Did it work?’, ‘Is that me?’, ‘Am I normal now?’, only to realise very quickly that it didn’t. You’re then left thinking, ‘What’s wrong with me?’
After six years of being told consistently that something is wrong with you, and it inevitably chipping away at your self-esteem, by 23 I was… empty. Empty and overwhelmed with utter loneliness, no support system or way out.
I had absolutely zero self-esteem. I hated everything about myself, genuinely believing that I was evil or had something fundamentally wrong with me. I would walk with my head down, avoiding mirrors and windows as I despised what I saw. I was suicidal, stock-piling medication all over my bedroom and in my car, and fully intending on taking my own life.
Luckily, I managed to find a real, licensed therapist in time. I then began a decade-long journey of person-centred therapy and unpacking of 23 years of internalised homophobia. I still struggle with my self-esteem and have learned to live with anxiety and panic attacks when they rear their head. But now, at 36, I can honestly say I am a happy, out-and-proud gay man, engaged to be married in July 2022. Finding the love of my life and being truly accepted for me (and all my foibles) has given me the strength to use my voice and finally speak truth to power to ensure no one has to go through what I went through.
Ultimately, conversion ‘therapy’ is anything but therapeutic. It is enforced repression on people – manipulating them against all their natural instincts, eradicating their self-esteem and mental health in the process. Any legal ban must include religious and faith-based settings. A clause that permits ‘seeking spiritual support’ can cover up a multitude of dangerous, unfounded practices that cause long-lasting damage. I should know – I experienced it. It wasn’t supportive – it was intrusive, degrading and damaging.
Your ‘right to religion’ is not synonymous with a right to discriminate or to enforce a heteronormative default or status quo onto others. You do not have the right to do that. Anywhere.
To anyone struggling out there please know:
You are not sinful.
You are not demon-possessed.
You are not broken.
You do not require fixing.
‘I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful; I know that full well.’
Psalm 139:14 New International Version
Take action to ban conversion therapy.
If you have been a victim of so-called conversion therapies, or are worried you’re at risk, please give the National Conversion Therapy Helpline a call or email.
Galop's expert LGBT+ team are here to support.
The National Conversion Therapy Helpline is open 10:00-16:00, Monday to Friday on 0800 130 3335, or you can email CThelp@galop.org.uk.